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Often, when a client comes in and asks, “What’s wrong with me, why can’t I find someone to settle down with?” I often find myself asking, “What have you tried so far?” to which they usually reply with a whole list of activities that have not lead to any meaningful relationship but rather a series of false starts. It can be disheartening out there in the dating world as not everyone has the same intentions as you. However, if your selection process is faulty, you’re really going to struggle to meet someone who expands who you are, no matter how many activities you engage in.  

Defining what you’re really looking for

When thinking about what you’re looking for in a partner the obvious characteristics are most likely there, like attractive, kind, reliable, intelligent and funny. Those are relatively easy things for someone to achieve in the early days of dating. 

When you’re imagining who you would...

According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, the divorce rate in Australia has been steadily declining since the mid-1980s. In 2020, the divorce rate was 2 divorces per 1,000. The average length of marriage at divorce was 12.2 years. While these statistics may not accurately reflect the full picture of the divorce landscape, as many don’t formally divorce or they may have chosen to divorce in another country, it is sobering to realise that it’s most common for couples who have been married 12+ years. 

I remember when my husband and I celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary, and we had a 6-year-old child and a 2-year-old, and we were both working full-time. Our children are now 16 and 12 respectively. It was a very busy time for us. We were focused on getting what needed to be done, done. And if you’re not careful that pattern of behaviour can continue until one day you wake up and feel like you’re living in a house share, with no intimacy or...

Someone once said that to move on after a relationship takes half the time you spent together. So, if you were in a one-year relationship, it’s okay if you take six months to reflect, reminisce and heal. 

Yet, that can be hard if the breakup was a surprise that you didn’t see coming. Often when a relationship comes to an end and you both agree that dissolving it is in the best interests for both of you, it is easier to accept even though it is still painful, and you may take time to heal. However, when it’s a surprise and not your choice, it can be hard to understand, accept and to move on from. For clients who are devastated by the ending of a relationship, it can take as long as it takes to process and heal from the experience.

From my observations, those who reach out for counselling to process the experience are keen to emerge from the experience stronger, they’re reluctant to make the same mistake again, and they’re keen to be...

It’s hard to know the prevalence of co-dependent relationships as it is not exclusively found in romantic relationships or where there is addiction. It can occur wherever there is a relational dynamic, i.e., at work, in friendships, romantic relationships, and family relationships.

What is co-dependency?

Co-dependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person assumes the role of “the giver,” sacrificing their own needs and wants for the sake of the other, “the taker". I often explain it to clients as the experience of “I’m ok if you’re ok”. This explanation is often easier for clients to hear as the idea that they could be co-dependent is often a shocking prospect because that isn't how they've interpreted it.

Often co-dependency gets mistakenly labeled as kindness however if the intention is for harmony and keeping the peace, it’s more about co-dependence. 

How does co-dependence...

In my practice I often see clients who are struggling along the interdependent - independent continuum. Often, they’re over-collaborative with little independence (co-dependent) or they’re perceived as insensitive by exercising too much independence (fierce independence). It’s a continual struggle for them to find the right mix of asserting their needs and being mindful of the needs of others (interdependence). Both approaches of co-dependence and fierce independence have drawbacks. 

Not asserting your needs or dismissing them in favour of what someone else wants only leads to resentment and regrets later down the track; and asserting your needs at the expense of others can leave you feeling exhausted, lonely, and distrustful of others. Neither strategy produces fulfilling personal or professional relationships. 

Take Julia* who is a professional woman in her 30s. She has a lot to be proud of. She’s smart, got a job, has supportive...

The focus on sleep continues to grow. Whether you see it reported in the press, on TV or in a social media post, the message is clear – sleep is extremely important. Sleep is a dynamic activity that we need, to sustain our daily functioning and our physical and mental health. The quality of your sleep affects how you feel about yourself, how you make choices, and how you interact with others.

It can be influenced by your biology, how you take care of yourself and your relationships with others. With so many pieces to the sleep puzzle, keeping your sleep healthy is not always easy. And that’s without being in a toxic relationship where you are undermined and constantly feeling the need to defend yourself.   

What is a toxic relationship?

A toxic relationship occurs when one or both people are prioritizing love over the three core components of a healthy relationship: respect, trust, and affection.

“If it is destroying you, it is...